Going no contact
I don’t have an official date for when I went no contact with my mom. It was roughly two years ago, during the spring semester of my senior year of undergrad. Maybe it would be easier, having an anniversary, so I could exactly mark the time. Or maybe it’s better to not track it so closely, so it can fade from my consciousness. The truth is going no contact is a lot messier than I thought it would be.
I always knew there would be a point in my life where I would cut off my mom. I was conscious that I did not feel safe around her starting in late elementary school, and with toxic people the only thing you can really do is walk away. That being said, once I lived in a different state the need to go no contact didn’t feel as pressing. I tried to establish new boundaries to try and continue a relationship with my mom even if it was only a very shallow one. But in my last year of college, graduation became a major issue. She assumed and insisted on being included, even trying to make all the plans, but this was my milestone. I only wanted people there who genuinely wanted to celebrate my accomplishment, who were actually involved in my life because they had respected and loved me. It was her continuous pressure on graduation that became the final straw. It was an incredibly hard decision for me to make. There would be no going back from cutting her off. Surviving active abuse is often attempting to manage an abuser’s response, and this wouldn't end well if I ever tried to reconnect. I don’t know what I expected once I did it, something loud, a blow up, maybe fireworks. But it was quiet. Blocking someone’s phone number, email, and all social media platforms takes time, yet it’s silent. This massive culminating moment, with no sound at all.
Since I didn’t give her any notice you might assume a mother would immediately fear for the worst if she suddenly couldn’t get in contact with her only child. That wasn’t her reaction. She used several methods to try and get back in touch with me, new email accounts, snail mail, she even found my TikTok account. Yet every message was accusatory, “how could you have done this to me?” “I don’t understand what I could have possibly done to make you do this to me,” “If you respond I’ll forgive you.” Sounds nice enough until you remember that her first thought wasn’t concern for her child’s safety, she instantly knew I had cut her off without being told.
Occasionally I still hear from her. Turns out blocked emails are sent to your trash, which I found that out the hard way. And now my dad intersects my mail so I don’t have to see what she’s sent. The truth is that while I miss the idea of having a mom, I don’t miss her. It’s tough officially going through the world without a mom now. There's a sanctification around the role, that no mother can do harm. The phrase, “there’s nothing like a mother’s love” has always stung. And yet, saying I’ve gone no contact has helped me explain my story so much easier than I’ve been able to before. It shows the level of abuse that had to occur for me to make that step, and I never have to share more than I want to. This is always going to be a hard topic for me, but the freedom I feel everyday from having this weight lifted off my shoulders is worth it all.
